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We were asked recently whether we think children's self esteem is less robust than in the past. In fact we do think children's self esteem is perhaps more fragile than in previous generations which may seem strange given that there is now a much more child-centred approach to parenting than a generation ago and an increased awareness of how important a healthy self esteem is to so many outcomes for children. [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] We were asked recently whether we think children's self esteem is less robust than in the past. In fact we do think children's self esteem is perhaps more fragile than in previous generations which may seem strange given that there is now a much more child-centred approach to parenting than a generation ago and an increased awareness of how important a healthy self esteem is to so many outcomes for children.
Parents receive lots of parenting advice these days [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] and are more likely to be reading parenting books to get parenting tips than our parents ever did. Parents [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] almost universally say it's a good practice to praise their children and most try hard to do so. But we are very conditioned to notice what's wrong with our children's behaviour and we point it out to them and sometimes punish children. We do this because we mistakenly think this will make their behaviour change. In fact repeated criticism makes children tune out what the adults say and can diminish their self esteem.

Even when we do praise them the difficulty lies in the kind of praise we use which tends to be brief and evaluative. We say 'good boy' or 'clever girl' or 'well done'. If we're feeling upbeat we may say their behaviour or their achievements are fantastic or brilliant. The trouble with this kind of praise is that children don't believe it. The superlative words lose credibility and they may think it's nice that we praise them, but we're supposed to -it's [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] our job. They may doubt our judgment when we say they're wonderful at maths when they know others who know their times tables [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] better than they do. If we praise our children a lot for their achievements, as most parents do, children get the idea that it is the achievement that matters to us. This can make life very pressured for children. If their sense of self worth is tied up in their achievements it is a very precarious thing, always subject to ups and downs. Many children have become very afraid [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] of making mistakes and become risk averse or are unaware of how to use their mistakes to improve. Children are also under far more pressure at school than they ever used to be with more exams than in the past and most schools operating a culture of comparison through grades and awards. (Head teachers have recognised the pressure imposed on children by league tables and SATs and given voice to their concerns about the loss of interest in learning these cause recently)

Another reason why we think children's self esteem is lower than in the past is that children have so much done for them these days, including their thinking. This generation of parents is more fearful than in the past and the term 'helicopter parents' who hover over their children is aptly used to describe many parents. (There are many reasons for this including delaying having families and having fewer children which means we can focus all our energies on them -if you're the youngest of three or four you just learn to do for yourself because there isn't time for the parent to do everything for you). We don't let our children just get on and play unsupervised as much as previously. The culture of fear in 21st century Britain is such that most parents don't allow their children to play outside the home except in supervised trips. The health and safety culture makes us more nervous of physical risk so we don't let children climb trees [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] so much or try to do things for themselves like learn to handle a knife in the kitchen. We often organise so many activities and [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] do so much for our children leaving them little opportunity to learn to be self sufficient. They don't learn the life skills that were learnt in the home in [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] previous generations and they don't establish the kind of competencies that lead to confidence. [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] A child who [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] can see he's capable because he can put his own clothes in the laundry or help vacuum the carpet or feed the cat or help to cook is a confident child.

Another contributor to lack of self esteem is our expectations of children's behaviour. In the past it seemed children were expected to be children and to make mistakes while they were learning but now we have high expectations of their self control and [link widoczny dla zalogowanych] maturity (often expecting them to be quiet and compliant and still which goes against the nature of many young children, especially boys). Many parents have unrealistic expectations of children's behaviour maybe because until they have their own children they don't have much experience of how children behave (apart from their own memories of childhood). Many of us are parenting in isolation in modern times, without the benefit of extended families nearby from whom to get parenting advice and to help us out. We make children wrong for being children and try to coerce them out of natural behaviours. We get cross with them and tell them off for being curious or impulsive or behaving in a self-centred way, for being unable to share or consider others, for not wanting to tidy up or go to bed or do their homework and for wanting to play when we want them to get ready for school. When a person feels wrong a lot of the time their self esteem is not going to be strong.
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